Dear Friend,

Did you ever hear about the anti-Semitic claim against Kol Nidrei? That’s right. For many centuries (and sadly, it’s even out there today) a bogus claim was made that Jews are allowed to lie about promises made to others since all they have to do is recite Kol Nidei which would annul all their promises and pledges.

The problem with that claim? A misunderstanding of the concept of a NEDER, (translated as VOW) mentioned in the opening of this week’s Torah Portion.  The type of vow which is indeed able to be annulled in certain instances (through explaining your regret to a scholar or Jewish Court) was only a promise that pertained to the individual themselves (i.e.  I will not eat chocolate for the next month).  If it had to do with others, one could not forego that obligation without the other party agreeing. Hence, this week’s Parsha, or Kol Nidrei for that matter, has nothing to do with the $1000 you owe another person or getting out of your rental contract. :)

We can only retract that which pertains to ourselves. We can not take back something relating to others.  That is true of vows. But it is also true of something else, an issue very timely in this time of the Jewish Calendar– Speaking ABOUT others.

You may have heard the famous Chassidic story about a villager who loved to gossip. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. It got to the point where people stopped talking to him.

Finally, desperate, he approached the rabbi of the town who, reluctantly, listened to him. "Rabbi," the man said, "I know it's wrong, I know it's harmful, but I just can't stop. Please, help me," he begged, tears in his eyes.

The rabbi realized that only something dramatic would get through, make the necessary impact.

"Tell me," the rabbi said. "Do you have a pillow at home? One stuffed with feathers?"

The man nodded.

"Then I think I can help you," the rabbi said. "Come back tomorrow and bring that pillow with you."

He spent the next day in confusion, dread and excitement. At last! Perhaps the rabbi couldn't help him.

The next morning the man came back to the rabbi's house, trembling with anticipation. Suddenly, the door to the rabbi's house opened and the rabbi walked briskly out of his house holding a large kitchen knife. The rabbi directed the man to slit open the pillow with the knife. The man obeyed and before he knew it, feathers were flying everywhere, swirling around him, carried in all directions by the wind.

"Now," the rabbi commanded sternly, "bring back the feathers. Restuff the pillow."

The man looked around, mouth open, absent-mindedly brushing a few feathers from himself. When he heard the rabbi's order, saw the severity on the rabbi's face, he started to cry.

"I can't," he sobbed. "There are so many feathers. They have gone so far. Who knows where they are, where they went?"

"Exactly so," said the rabbi gently. "Exactly so. Gossip, slander, rumor - even if true, especially if true, lashon hara scatters to the wind going we know not where, touching we know not who. How much easier to keep our own knife - our tongue - sheathed and not have to restuff the pillow."

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We live in a world today where speaking negativity about people is everywhere we turn. From politics to the media, "the latest shmutz" is what is most popular.  Disagreements about issues become personal and hurtful (and therefore usually no longer about the issues).   It is especially in such a climate that we need such a reminder that this is not the Torah way. We need to know we influence others by spreading light, not shmutz.  This is why at Chabad, even when feeling strongly about an issue, we always center the discussion around the Torah's position on a particular topic, not speaking badly about others.

While watching the words we say about others is important throughout the year, it is especially critical during this season, the three weeks of introspection in which we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and both of the Holy Temples, the second one destroyed 1946 years ago.  Our Sages explain that the destruction of Jerusalem was due to "unwarranted hatred." The Jewish people, even during the siege of Jerusalem, remained fractionalized and divided. And on the individual level, there was a lack of concern, love, and respect for each other.  Beginning with the way they spoke about one another…

During these weeks, let’s be extra careful about every word we say, in particular about our fellow Jews.  Whether in our conversations or in an email or Facebook post, it is a time to make our words about others are ones coming from love.

Next Sunday is Tisha B’av, the fast day that is the conclusion of these 3 weeks of mourning.  I encourage everyone to come to Chabad of Cary for a special video presentation on the theme of Jewish Unity.  See more information below.

This Shabbos, Chana and I are away visiting family in NJ and we will not be meeting at Chabad of Cary.  (Everyone is welcome to attend davening at Chabad of Raleigh!) We look forward to seeing everyone next week...

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Yisroel and Rebbetzin Chana